Non-deer jokes

[Old Buck]

This isn't a deer joke but I can't keep from laughing each time I picture the situation.

Hypnotist Claude

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he
announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three
people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of this audience." The excitement
was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began
to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

.........It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

[SPLIT LIMB]

THATS A GOOD ONE!!!!!!
TRY THIS ONE:
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY WHO FINALLY FIGURED OUT WOMEN?
HE DIED LAUGHING BEFORE HE COULD TELL ANYBODY.

 

[GDCooper]

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I
found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman
asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

 

[bow4it]

A rancher I hunted with in Wyoming told me the following joke.

After a long time out on the trail two old cowboys were drinking in the saloon one afternoon. One of the cowboys leaned back and glanced out the window. Across the street was a raggedly looking dog laying there licking his package. The one cowboy pointed out the dog to his friend and commented how he wish he could do that. His friend watched for a short time and said I dont know I think Id pet him first.

 

[Thefrgt10]

I just had this one emailed to me. I dont know how many of you have heard it but its a killer.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens,and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed thepigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[biggest buck]

A man from Nebraska was stopped by the game warden as he was
leaving the public fishing land near the damn with a bucket of nice trout.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their bucket, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "Here, I'll
show you. It really works."
The game warden was curious now. "O.K! This I've GOT to see!"
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several
minutes the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH!!"
"WHAT fish??" the man asked

 

[Iowa1]

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he got a chance to tell anyone.

 

[luvtohunt]

My wife is blonde so, I have the right to post this: (hope she don't read it though)

7-DEGREES OF BLONDNESS
ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

TWO,, Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE,, A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR,, A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE,, What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX,, A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper exclaimed, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN,, Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!"