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I blame Shovelbuck

Fishbonker

Life Member
I’m in the spousal penalty box yet again. This time it is not my fault. This time it is Shovelbuck’s fault and I’ll tell you why.

I was helping my wife do the prep work for Thanksgiving dinner. We have a D-I-L who has gone sorta vegan”ish”, not quite full blown brown rice and hummus crazy but close. Towards that end it was my job to cut up the veggies for snacking on and cooking with.

I whizzed through the broccoli and cauliflowers. I zoomed through the red and yellow bell peppers. I raced through the radishes. The onion? Done in seconds. The cucumber smelled a little fishy so I elected to throw it out back for the critters. The cilantro chopped fine in a few strokes. The carrots took awhile ‘cause I hate carrots. I gag when I touch them. Celery both sliced fine and cut into short stalks were a breeze.

Did I mention we were keeping some stuff in the garage to keep cool due to lack of room in the fridge? That too was my fault. I had too much beer in the fridge and I was trying to rectify that situation as quickly as I could. The wife told me to cut up all the stuff in the sacks in the garage. I was down to the last sack. I didn’t know what was in the sack. I just reached in and grabbed this big thing and pulled it out. I was, uh, quite alarmed to say the least when I saw this big purple egg shaped thing in my hand. I had to destroy it and destroy it quickly. Anything that looked like that had to be the egg of a creature from the deepest depths of hell. I feared that if I released it from the shell it would soon destroy the world. I quickly threw it back in the sack and stomped it to a pulp. Just to be sure it was dead I threw it in the bait freezer to keep the other dead critters company.

The only thing left to cut up were the ‘maters. Did I say I hated carrots? Well, then I double hate ‘maters. Squishy pulpy seedy watery red crap with a skin is what a ‘mater is. Yuckity yuck yuck. I took a quick break from my cutting chopping slicing and julienning duties to make more room in the fridge.

After I had quickly made lots more room I went back to work on the ‘maters. ‘Maters has got to be the worst thing mother nature ever invented, well besides tapifreakinoka. I was slicing away when my wife got home from shopping for more “stuff”. I put my knife down on the cutting board to help her carry “stuff” in.

She was looking at all the bags of veggies I had cut up and put in the now less full fridge. The wife said “Why dear, you’ve been working awfully hard to get all those veggies cut and I see you moved your beer to a different fridge.” Un, moved the beer to a different fridge? Not so much. I just said “Yup.” She walked over to my cutting area and this is what she saw:



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Looks harmless enough right? God awful ‘matters in various stages of being cut? Look closer. Look at the knives. She asked, while still looking at the cutting board, “Ummmm, are those the knives you use to cut up dead animals?” Oh oh, is there some kinda vegan”ish” rule against using steel that has once touched animal flesh from touching anything vegan”ish”? “Uhhh, yeah, I’ve cut meat with them.” Now she has me locked in her laser like stare. “You know what I mean, are those the knives you’ve used to gut skin and cut up stuff you’ve killed?” I looked down at my feet. “Yes dear.” Then I looked back up at her and said in my best and most hopeful tone “But I cleaned ‘em really really good.” Didn’t seem to matter how well I cleaned them. If they were used “outside” then they shouldn’t be used “inside”. Oh well. I’ll do my time in the spousal penalty box. But like I have said before, I’m never quite sure if my penalty time runs concurrently or back to back.

So why do I blame Shovelbuck? If he hadn’t made such great knives, I would never have used them and I wouldn’t be in the spousal penalty box today. OK, I prolly would but for different reasons. Anyway, the top knife is made from an old trap. It fits my hand like a glove; not to long not too short. It is well balanced for the work I use it for. It’s not too heavy nor too light and the shape of the blade is perfect. It was sharp enough to shave with but I have dulled it up some. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much to get it back to ubersharp. The other knife I believe is made out of an old saw blade. It is heavy for its size but well balanced too. I believe the blade shape is more of what is called a drop point, correct me if I’m wrong, and is better suited to heavier tasks than cutting up squishy icky yucky ‘maters. I know it went right through this year’s wild turkey breast.

It may be too late for this year, but if you want to buy your wife a nice Christmas gift ask Jay to make her a knife like the top one. It is a great all around light kitchen knife and if you want a good all purpose type knife get one like the bottom. Who knows, the gift may get you into, or out of, the spousal penalty box.

There is so much sadness and negativity on this site lately that I thought I’d try to lighten the mood a little. I would like to think I may have made everyone’s day a little brighter, but I also like to think I’m tall, dark and handsome not short, pale and fat.
 
HAHAHA, That was great. I've been there before. How dare those knives be used on something other than critters:rolleyes:. Exactly how my wife would react. Nice to have some good humor around here again. Those are some darn nice knives! Would definitely be a great gift for someone. More likely myself:D
 
Lmao! my sister in-law is of that same mindset...:confused: when she asks for a knife, I hand her a steak knife instead of a butter knife (on purpose) lol
 
After reading that account of vegetable chopping...I am a bit concerned about myself.

I can myself doing something just like that...including blaming Shovelbuck. :)
 
Thanks for the pat on the back on the knives Bonker, it's very appreciated. I wish I had some knives currently, but the few I have are spoken for.
Those trap spring knives are nice but they are a real pain to make. For some reason they usually warp and twist during the quenching process causing me a great amount of grief. :( .... it seems the new springs warp more than the antique ones....For that reason I quit making them for the time being.
Don't you now that carrots are good for you????? :) As for the maters, they are good on burgers and in chili, I can think of no other use for them. As for being in the penalty box, you've been there before so I doubt it's anything you've not seen before. Although your wife has messaged me her dismay for my not carrying out her wishes when you visited here some years ago. ;)
 
Thats top shelf funny right there! Great story!! As for the penalty box, that just means that a man has taken the opportunity to innovate. Well done!
 
I think we all have had that that cold look from the wife. Its like, I really found a winner look . Maybe I should sleep on the couch so she doesn't kill me in my sleep stare....
 
Thanks for the fun Fishbonker.......It seems like anytime you put up a post it turns out to be a good laugh. Much needed no doubt.
 
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