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On the lighter side.

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Has anyone heard any good new jokes. I'll start.

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables, sits down and asks if he can get two shots of wisky.
Reluctantly the bar tender says "ok but I don't want you startin anything"
grin.gif
 
Why are women like rocks? If they're flat you can skip em.

(you didn't hear this from me)
 
A hunter has a successful day afield and brings home his deer. He decides to fillet the loins and serve some fresh deer meat for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them.
His little boy, Gabe, keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?" "You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"OK", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams... " Don't eat it Gabe!
It' an asshole!
 
Little johnny was in class. He rasied his hand and said "Teacher I gotta piss". The teacher said "Johnny we don't use that word. We say 'Urinate' and you can't go until you use it correctly". Johnny thought and thought and said "But teacher I REALLY have to piss". And the teacher restated the need to use urinate. Johnny thought and thought some more, finally to the point of wetting his pats he raises his hand and said "Teacher your an eight, if you had bigger titts youd be a ten"

The 'Bonker
 
2 hunters are walking through the woods when they come upon a grizzly. One guy kneels down and begins to rety his boots. His buddy whispers to him "hey man...do you really think you can outrun that bear?" His buddy looks up at him and replies "nope... I just gotta be able to outrun you."
 
Gotta love that last one.
Here's one a friend e-mailed me:
A school teacher is explaining to her class that she is an Iowa State fan. She then asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Iowa State fans. Not knowing exactly what an
Iowa State fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. Pete has not joined in the hands in the air group. The teacher noticed this and asked Pete why he had decided to be different. Pete responded,
"Because I'm not a Iowa State fan." The teacher said "Then what are you?" Pete said proudly " I'm an Iowa Hawkeye fan". The teacher, not content with that, asked why he was an Iowa fan. Pete said "Well my dad and mom are Hawkeye fans so I'm a Hawkeye fan too." "That's no reason!" the teacher said. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would you be then? Pete smiled.
"Then I'd be a Iowa State fan."
grin.gif
 
Three men are standing at the Pearly gates of Heaven and St. Peter is there to greet them. He says he has to interview each of them before allowing them into Heaven, He asks the first man his name and looks him up in the Book of Life. St. Peter says to him,"Wow, I see here that you have an IQ of 180!" and then asks the man what he did for living and what contributions he made for humanity. The man said," I was a Rocket Scientist and I was instumental in the development of the Hubble Space Telescope that opened the worlds eyes to the wonders of Gods creation." St. Peter was very impressed by this and welcomed him into Heaven. The next man was asked the same questions and was found to have had an IQ of 140. When asked about his career and contributions to mankind he replied, " I was a Pediatric Doctor. I devoted my entire life to the health of Gods children." Again, St. Peter was impressed and welcomed the second man into Heaven. Now the third man steps up and St. Peter asks him his name and he looks him up in the Book of Life. St. Peter says, "Oh yes, here you are right here. It says you have an IQ of 49." Proudly the man smiles and answers,"YEP!" St. Peter says"If you don't mind me asking, did you get a Deer this year?"
 
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, " Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,

he said,
" Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, " Quick, another beer before it starts."

" That's it !" She blows her top ! " You bastard ! You waltz in here,
flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long ?"

The husband sighed. " It's started."
 
2 guys are out hunting and get lost. so 1 say's to the other fire a shot in the air maybe someone will find us. they wait awhile , nobody shows up. this goes on about three more times . nobody shows up. the first guy say's try another shot. the second guy say's heck man i'm bout out of arrow's
 
A guy takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life. He takes her to a big clearing and sets her down overlooking it. He then goes off to his stand. It wasn't light for very long and he hears a shot from her direction. Then soon after he hears some yelling. He runs over that direction and finds his wife yelling at some guy. Asking what's the problem his wife says that this guy is trying to steal her deer. "Fine lady" the guy answers "it's your deer, just let me get my saddle off of it ok?"
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show racoons it could be done!!!!!!!
 
OK that last one was very very stupid, hahaha
On another note
Then one about the wife getting the beers is just hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A farmer is out in the field and has a young man come by with some chicken wire. The farmer asks, What do you have there? Kid replies, this is chicken wire and I'm going to get some chickens. Farmer says, You can't catch chickens with chicken wire. Kid comes back an hour later with 6 chickens. Next day the kid comes by with some duct tape. Farmer says, What do you have there? Kid replies, duct tape- I'm going to get some ducks. Farmer says, don't you know you can't catch ducks with duck tape? Kid comes back an hour later with 6 ducks. Next day the kid comes by with a bundle full of sticks. Farmers says, what do you have there? Kid replies, I got some pussy willows. Farmer jumps off the tractor and says, let me grab my hat, I'll be right with ya.
 
A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anesthetic." The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth." The dentist said," You won't be able to withstand the pain!" The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said,"If a pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would like to know about it." The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday,Tuesday, and Wednesday and when Thursday came, all were tired but me, so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow covered ground,I realized I had to "do my business." Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I ducked behind a tree, dropped my pants and squatted down. I didn't see the bear trap under the snow. As I squatted, my privates dropped into the trap and tripped it and it slammed shut on them!"
The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?." The man replied , " When I ran out of chain on the trap."
 
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